Mourning Me

Dear Abbey,

This week an old roommate from my 3rd semester of college posted a picture of all the girls in our apartment carving pumpkins for FHE.  I looked at the picture and felt sick to my stomach and silent tears began to run down my face. That semester was the semester I got engaged to my husband. The picture was taken a week before my then fiance would disclose to me his past with pornography.

I look nothing now like the young, innocent 19 year old girl beaming in that picture. The differences between the present and that picture that I'm referring to are not the fact that my hair is now shorter, or darker or that I'm a few pounds heavier....I looked so happy. I was happy. I was radiating. I was confident. I was excited for the future. I look at that picture and feel so sorry for myself. I had no idea what pain and heartache I was in for. The happy, radiating, confident excited me would soon be turned to deeply hurt, beaten down, insecure, betrayed, fearful me.

I just want to reach through the picture and give myself a hug. A hug I so desperately needed the night I learned how my night in shining armor was not who I thought he was. A hug for every sleepless night I laid crying in bed next to a man that had become a complete stranger. A hug for every time I found myself crumpled sobbing on the floor fearing that my marriage was over. A hug for every minute that I have felt so completely alone.

I've been mourning the old me.  Will I find her again?  Will I ever be her again?

Sincerely,
Me

Throw Up

Dear Abbey,

Whenever I'm sick I'm always told that if I just throw up I'd feel better. Today, I'm emotionally sick. The past week I've been emotionally sick. This is me emotionally throwing up to see if it helps me feel any better.

Where do I even start?

I just moved a week and a half ago to a new and really big city (I'm a small town girl) I've only been to once and only spent a few hours in. Both of our families are 6 and 10 hours away. I know nobody here. I feel so alone. Whenever I want to open up and reach out to someone, the adversary tells me that nobody cares and that I shouldn't waste their time. I'm not worth it. They don't want anything to do with me.

I can't leave my house without being triggered. New city means more people, new meat for my husband to check out and fantasize over. Every day that he goes to work I can't help but wonder what he is doing while gone. He only has 1 coworker. A woman. My 4 year old's new pre-school teacher is young and gorgeous. I never want him to meet her but that's not realistic.

I met my new bishop for the first time on Sunday and betrayal trauma wont let me trust him. He is a young bishop, early 30's. I struggle trusting men in general but I really struggle trusting men even somewhat close to my husband's age. "They are all porn addicts". How am I supposed to confide in a man that makes me sick to my stomach every time I look at him?

As if  having a porn addict husband doesn't make me feel like a big enough pile of junk, my kids make me feel like a huge failure. My broken state wont let me be the mom I want to be and that they deserve. The past few weeks has been constant tears, screaming and tantrums. Some from them, some from me. Whining, refusing sleep, pooping and smearing it all over the bedroom walls and toys, beating on each other, being stubborn and defiant, destroying everything in their paths like a tornado, demanding...It is so tempting to just walk away sometimes. There is only so much crying and screaming a person can handle before they go insane.

Pregnancy is kicking my butt. I don't sleep, I have no energy, and the pain in my back makes it hard to do every day tasks.

Money. There's never enough.

I need out of this funk. I'm drowning. I need relief. I need to know someone cares.

Sincerely,
Me

Alone

Dear Abbey,

When Wil's addiction first unfolded we lived in Rexburg, Idaho. I suffered 3 years with no support and a husband in denial of his addiction. It was "just a little bad habit". He wasn't seeking recovery since...well, you know, he wasn't addicted. He met with our bishop after each relapse (that he got caught in) but that was it. I felt like I was the only one in the world that was going through this and isolated myself.

When Wil FINALLY admitted that pornography wasn't just a bad habit and that he was actually addicted, he began attending the LDS Addiction Recovery meetings specifically for those addicted to pornography.  Looking at the ARP meeting schedule, you'd think that Rexburg was the birthplace of porn addictions. There were 4 different meetings a week just for pornography addicts. On top of that they held spouse support groups 2 days a week. Lots of meetings and lots of attendees (20+). That's a lot for a town of 25,000 people.

Wil loved going to his meetings and I started to see big changes in him. He had hope, accountability, support and light. He encouraged me to go to the spouse support groups but I never went. I was too afraid and didn't see how listening to other people's bad marriages was going to help me. I was trapped.

When we moved to Montana we discovered just one ARP meeting in our area that covered a 50 mile radius.  The meeting was a general meeting and for the longest time Andy was the only attendee. With that,of course there was no spouse group.

I began feeling more alone than I ever had wanting SOMEONE to talk to. I yearned to go back to Rexburg where I knew there were groups of women that understood. I felt so broken and ignored and needed someone to recognize me and the pain I'm enduring.

I spent a long time being frustrated with the Lord. Why did he take me away from the support when I now so desperately want it?  I finally realized why. The Lord knows me. He knows how I tick and he knows how to teach me when I'm acting like a stubborn 2 year old. He knew I needed love and support but in order for me to realize that, he had to take me away from it. I had to leave the support to realize that I really want it and need it.  

When I saw the need in my life and asked for help, the Lord directed me to online forums, blogs, incredible people, therapy programs, and online support groups. I don't have to live in Rexburg, Idaho or Provo, Utah to get the help that I need. The tools and people are everywhere. I've never lived in such an isolating place, but yet I feel united and loved by fellow survivors. I'm not alone.

Sincerely,
Me

I Did It

Dear Abbey,

I did it.

I opened my mouth and told someone. Someone not in a WoPA support group. Someone not in a ARP meeting. Someone that is not a WoPA. This was a first.

It was so so scary but so so invigorating and freeing.

I opened up to a friend that has continually forced me out of my house when I'm wanting to be a hermit,and  kept being my friend even when she sensed my trust issues and standoffish-ness. 

I have wanted to open up and share my story with her for a really long time but have been to scared or could never find "the right time". This last week she mentioned that she was preparing a talk in sacrament meeting on opposition and how we get through them. I got an overwhelming feeling that I needed to tell her. Now.

So I did.

I was so afraid of how she would respond. Would she think I was stupid for staying? Would she think Wil was a perverted monster? Would she blame me? Would she downplay what I'm going through?

Her response was perfect. She was so full of empathy, love and support. She has a child with aspbergers allowing her to empathize with me in understanding how incorrect and hurtful judgements are made in our situation. She built me emphasizing over and over how much she admired me and my courage to share with her and my strength to stay in my marriage and keep fighting for it.

While the idea of someone knowing still intimidates me, I'm so glad that my sharing was a good experience and give me hope and confidence to own share my story with others in the future.

Sincerely,
Me

Jacob 2

Dear Abbey,

Last night in my scripture study I came across Jacob 2 . I view this chapter as the "pornography" chapter. There were a couple of verses that stuck out to me, for obvious reasons. Verses 31 and 32 spoke to me:

"31- For behold, I, the Lord have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people in the land of Jerusalem, yea, and in all the lands of my people, because of the wickedness and abominations of their husbands.
32- And I will not suffer, saith the Lord of Hosts, that the cries of the fair daughters of this people, which I have led out of the land of Jerusalem, shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts."

Before seeking my own recovery 2 years ago these verses would have triggered me into despair. I was an extreme perfectionist and was embarrassed and ashamed of my imperfect marriage. Nobody knew what was going on in my life except for our bishop. I couldn't look him in the eye because he knew. He knew our secret; something wasn't perfect.

I want nothing more in my life than to please the Lord and to reach my final goal of living in eternal happiness in His presence. These verses showed me the Lord's disapproval of what what happening in my marriage and in my home; the place that I worked so hard in making heaven on earth. I took the blame for my husband's addiction therefore his sins were on me...or so I thought.

I now view these verses in a completely different light. The Lord hears my cries of sorrow. He knows of my broken heart. And he knows its not my fault. And it is through His word that my soul can be healed.

Sincerely,
Me

Every Day Trigger

Dear Abbey,

I. Hate. Triggers. What I hate even more is when everyday normal things become triggers. How do you avoid them?? A new trigger of mine has been Wil's new job and the process of finding the job.

Our entire marriage we have been students except for a  4 month time span between undergrad and graduate school where he held his only full time job. That 4 months were the some of the hardest months of my life.

Wil worked with mentally disabled adults teaching them life skills. He grew to love his clients and his clients loved him back.  One of his clients loved him so much that he started texting him on a regular basis. What started out as friendly chat turned into an easy source of porn and for a downward spiral in Wil's addiction; but of course he didn't see it as an addiction at the time. This client (lets call him Brock) was sending him  pornographic material of women through video and photos.

I'm so so grateful that I never saw any of it but I still knew. Besides lacking light in his eyes and being withdrawn from the family I started noticing that every time Wil would get a text from Brock he'd jump up and leave the room to read it. One day as we were headed out the door to church he accidentally bumped his phone causing a video to open. I didn't see it but the panic in his eyes, his franticness to leave the room to close it and the horrifying sounds that I heard were enough to know what was going on. Wil also became distant and secretive about EVERYTHING. Especially silly things like trying to hide any evidence of him buying himself a treat at the grocery store when I'd send him for a few things we needed.

I hated his job and was always uncomfortable with it; I could sense things weren't right. Our desperation for a job left me silent and afraid to share my concerns. After a short 4 months of having this job, Wil came home on a Monday, in the middle of the day looking like he'd seen a ghost. I learned that he had been fired due to accusations of sexual harassment. This was not what my already broken and worried mind needed to hear...

This experience has left me feeling afraid for future jobs. He graduates next month and the search for a job has been grueling. I dread every interview. This week he got an offer for his dream job and my fears are making it difficult to be excited for him and this new chapter in our lives. Will his next job send him back to the lowest point in his addiction? Will he act out at work? Will he have an affair? I'm scared.

I'm trying to come up with boundaries so I don't have to be afraid but I don't even know where to start.
Help.

Sincerely,
Me

Like A Diamond

Dear Abbey,

The word "diamond" comes from the Greek word "Adamas" which means "unconquerable and indestructible."

Did you know that diamonds and coal are made of the vary same stuff? They are both composed of elemental carbon. The only difference between them is what they have experienced and been through. It is only when carbon is subjected to the adverse conditions of extremely high pressures and temperatures that the black carbon transforms into diamond crystals. Unlike coal, diamonds are composed of extraordinarily strong bonds and reflect the light of the world around them.

Our souls and lives are very much like carbon.  We change and become different people when we experience trials and adversities in our lives.  While experiencing these trials we have the choice to become biter and weaker or to find new strength and light. Like diamonds we can radiate and reflect a light of faith and spiritual strength that was intensified through suffering. In D&C 136:31 we are told that the Lords people must be tried in all things so they can be prepared to receive the glory that He has for them.

What makes diamonds shine are their imperfections. Perfection is not needed for strength, shine and beauty. Confucius said, "Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without."

Often times we get stuck dwelling on who we were in the past or who we are now and that can blind us from seeing what there is to love about ourselves. The Lord, in his all knowing power, sees us for what we can become; he loves us for our potential.  He knows the diamonds that we can become and knows just how much pressure and heat is needed to make us into the diamonds we are meant to become.

Sincerely,
Me

Vision Board

A few months ago I completed a free 6 week therapy course on healing from betrayal trauma through Addo Recovery. I absolutely loved it an learned so much! One of the biggest things I learned was of my great worth and potential, what I can become. One of the assignments during the course was to create a vision board. The vision board was to depict hope and everything that I want to believe about myself and become, along with encouragement. I then hung it up in a place where I see it everyday, several times a day. It was a fun project but I did it not knowing how beneficial it would be. Some days, my vision board is the only thing that keeps my head above water. 

This is my vision

I'm Tired

Dear Abbey,

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being triggered by every little thing around me.
I'm tired of feeling alone when I'm surrounded by people.
I'm tired of hiding behind a mask pretending like my life is perfect.
I'm tired of not having friends because I push them away.
I'm tired of feeling helpless.
I'm tired of feeling unloved.
I'm tired because I can't sleep.
I'm tired of broken promises.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm too broken to be a good mom.
I'm tired of keeping secrets from my family.
I'm tired of always having to be strong.
I'm tired of being angry.
I'm tired of being ignored.
I'm tired of being told to "just deal with it" when nobody knows what I'm going through.
I'm tired of the expectations.
I'm tired of the roller coaster.
I'm tired of enduring through each day being such hard work.
I'm tired of not being enough.
I'm tired of being let down.
I'm tired of being so bitter.
I'm tired of not being able to be happy for others.
I'm tired of having meltdowns litterally over spilled milk.
I'm tired of being scared.
I'm tired of being a zombie.
I'm tired of betrayal trauma.
I'm tired of being a WoPA.

Sincerely,
Me

Are You There God?

Dear Abbey,

I've been struggling.

Struggling feeling alone and abandoned by God. Does he hear my prayers? Yes. But why doesn't he respond?

I ask him to send someone to help and love me. I ask him to take away my pain and anger. I ask him if he loves me. My world is still silent and full of lonely pain.

God is a man of timing. He answers when he wants and how he wants. I am finally starting to get answers. . His answers have been, "I'm still here."  and a tiny miracle or message through someone else that He IS there.

The first answer was through the blog The Moments We Stand. In talking about being enough she explained that she will always be enough for God when she felt she wasn't enough for her unfaithful, dead husband. She said, "Emmett didn't die fighting for me, but Jesus did." That simple sentence filled me with so much love and awe. He DID die fighting for me! He fought for my happiness. He suffered my pain. I'm enough and loved enough by him that fought clear to the end for me.

The second answer was a simple act of kindness. On a hard day, I didn't have enough left in me to make dinner for my family so we decided to go out. As we finished our meal our waitress explained to us that our meal was covered  by someone in the restaurant anonymously. I had a distinct voice speak to my mind say, "see, I'm still here. I know what you need." He knows.

These 2 seemingly small experiences left a big mark and helped me see the presence of my Heavenly Father in my life. He's there. He knows. Don't ever doubt that he isn't.

Sincerely,
Me