Dear Abbey,
Whenever I'm sick I'm always told that if I just throw up I'd feel better. Today, I'm emotionally sick. The past week I've been emotionally sick. This is me emotionally throwing up to see if it helps me feel any better.
Where do I even start?
I just moved a week and a half ago to a new and really big city (I'm a small town girl) I've only been to once and only spent a few hours in. Both of our families are 6 and 10 hours away. I know nobody here. I feel so alone. Whenever I want to open up and reach out to someone, the adversary tells me that nobody cares and that I shouldn't waste their time. I'm not worth it. They don't want anything to do with me.
I can't leave my house without being triggered. New city means more people, new meat for my husband to check out and fantasize over. Every day that he goes to work I can't help but wonder what he is doing while gone. He only has 1 coworker. A woman. My 4 year old's new pre-school teacher is young and gorgeous. I never want him to meet her but that's not realistic.
I met my new bishop for the first time on Sunday and betrayal trauma wont let me trust him. He is a young bishop, early 30's. I struggle trusting men in general but I really struggle trusting men even somewhat close to my husband's age. "They are all porn addicts". How am I supposed to confide in a man that makes me sick to my stomach every time I look at him?
As if having a porn addict husband doesn't make me feel like a big enough pile of junk, my kids make me feel like a huge failure. My broken state wont let me be the mom I want to be and that they deserve. The past few weeks has been constant tears, screaming and tantrums. Some from them, some from me. Whining, refusing sleep, pooping and smearing it all over the bedroom walls and toys, beating on each other, being stubborn and defiant, destroying everything in their paths like a tornado, demanding...It is so tempting to just walk away sometimes. There is only so much crying and screaming a person can handle before they go insane.
Pregnancy is kicking my butt. I don't sleep, I have no energy, and the pain in my back makes it hard to do every day tasks.
Money. There's never enough.
I need out of this funk. I'm drowning. I need relief. I need to know someone cares.
Sincerely,
Me
Whenever I'm sick I'm always told that if I just throw up I'd feel better. Today, I'm emotionally sick. The past week I've been emotionally sick. This is me emotionally throwing up to see if it helps me feel any better.
Where do I even start?
I just moved a week and a half ago to a new and really big city (I'm a small town girl) I've only been to once and only spent a few hours in. Both of our families are 6 and 10 hours away. I know nobody here. I feel so alone. Whenever I want to open up and reach out to someone, the adversary tells me that nobody cares and that I shouldn't waste their time. I'm not worth it. They don't want anything to do with me.
I can't leave my house without being triggered. New city means more people, new meat for my husband to check out and fantasize over. Every day that he goes to work I can't help but wonder what he is doing while gone. He only has 1 coworker. A woman. My 4 year old's new pre-school teacher is young and gorgeous. I never want him to meet her but that's not realistic.
I met my new bishop for the first time on Sunday and betrayal trauma wont let me trust him. He is a young bishop, early 30's. I struggle trusting men in general but I really struggle trusting men even somewhat close to my husband's age. "They are all porn addicts". How am I supposed to confide in a man that makes me sick to my stomach every time I look at him?
As if having a porn addict husband doesn't make me feel like a big enough pile of junk, my kids make me feel like a huge failure. My broken state wont let me be the mom I want to be and that they deserve. The past few weeks has been constant tears, screaming and tantrums. Some from them, some from me. Whining, refusing sleep, pooping and smearing it all over the bedroom walls and toys, beating on each other, being stubborn and defiant, destroying everything in their paths like a tornado, demanding...It is so tempting to just walk away sometimes. There is only so much crying and screaming a person can handle before they go insane.
Pregnancy is kicking my butt. I don't sleep, I have no energy, and the pain in my back makes it hard to do every day tasks.
Money. There's never enough.
I need out of this funk. I'm drowning. I need relief. I need to know someone cares.
Sincerely,
Me
