I Did It

Dear Abbey,

I did it.

I opened my mouth and told someone. Someone not in a WoPA support group. Someone not in a ARP meeting. Someone that is not a WoPA. This was a first.

It was so so scary but so so invigorating and freeing.

I opened up to a friend that has continually forced me out of my house when I'm wanting to be a hermit,and  kept being my friend even when she sensed my trust issues and standoffish-ness. 

I have wanted to open up and share my story with her for a really long time but have been to scared or could never find "the right time". This last week she mentioned that she was preparing a talk in sacrament meeting on opposition and how we get through them. I got an overwhelming feeling that I needed to tell her. Now.

So I did.

I was so afraid of how she would respond. Would she think I was stupid for staying? Would she think Wil was a perverted monster? Would she blame me? Would she downplay what I'm going through?

Her response was perfect. She was so full of empathy, love and support. She has a child with aspbergers allowing her to empathize with me in understanding how incorrect and hurtful judgements are made in our situation. She built me emphasizing over and over how much she admired me and my courage to share with her and my strength to stay in my marriage and keep fighting for it.

While the idea of someone knowing still intimidates me, I'm so glad that my sharing was a good experience and give me hope and confidence to own share my story with others in the future.

Sincerely,
Me

Jacob 2

Dear Abbey,

Last night in my scripture study I came across Jacob 2 . I view this chapter as the "pornography" chapter. There were a couple of verses that stuck out to me, for obvious reasons. Verses 31 and 32 spoke to me:

"31- For behold, I, the Lord have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people in the land of Jerusalem, yea, and in all the lands of my people, because of the wickedness and abominations of their husbands.
32- And I will not suffer, saith the Lord of Hosts, that the cries of the fair daughters of this people, which I have led out of the land of Jerusalem, shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts."

Before seeking my own recovery 2 years ago these verses would have triggered me into despair. I was an extreme perfectionist and was embarrassed and ashamed of my imperfect marriage. Nobody knew what was going on in my life except for our bishop. I couldn't look him in the eye because he knew. He knew our secret; something wasn't perfect.

I want nothing more in my life than to please the Lord and to reach my final goal of living in eternal happiness in His presence. These verses showed me the Lord's disapproval of what what happening in my marriage and in my home; the place that I worked so hard in making heaven on earth. I took the blame for my husband's addiction therefore his sins were on me...or so I thought.

I now view these verses in a completely different light. The Lord hears my cries of sorrow. He knows of my broken heart. And he knows its not my fault. And it is through His word that my soul can be healed.

Sincerely,
Me

Every Day Trigger

Dear Abbey,

I. Hate. Triggers. What I hate even more is when everyday normal things become triggers. How do you avoid them?? A new trigger of mine has been Wil's new job and the process of finding the job.

Our entire marriage we have been students except for a  4 month time span between undergrad and graduate school where he held his only full time job. That 4 months were the some of the hardest months of my life.

Wil worked with mentally disabled adults teaching them life skills. He grew to love his clients and his clients loved him back.  One of his clients loved him so much that he started texting him on a regular basis. What started out as friendly chat turned into an easy source of porn and for a downward spiral in Wil's addiction; but of course he didn't see it as an addiction at the time. This client (lets call him Brock) was sending him  pornographic material of women through video and photos.

I'm so so grateful that I never saw any of it but I still knew. Besides lacking light in his eyes and being withdrawn from the family I started noticing that every time Wil would get a text from Brock he'd jump up and leave the room to read it. One day as we were headed out the door to church he accidentally bumped his phone causing a video to open. I didn't see it but the panic in his eyes, his franticness to leave the room to close it and the horrifying sounds that I heard were enough to know what was going on. Wil also became distant and secretive about EVERYTHING. Especially silly things like trying to hide any evidence of him buying himself a treat at the grocery store when I'd send him for a few things we needed.

I hated his job and was always uncomfortable with it; I could sense things weren't right. Our desperation for a job left me silent and afraid to share my concerns. After a short 4 months of having this job, Wil came home on a Monday, in the middle of the day looking like he'd seen a ghost. I learned that he had been fired due to accusations of sexual harassment. This was not what my already broken and worried mind needed to hear...

This experience has left me feeling afraid for future jobs. He graduates next month and the search for a job has been grueling. I dread every interview. This week he got an offer for his dream job and my fears are making it difficult to be excited for him and this new chapter in our lives. Will his next job send him back to the lowest point in his addiction? Will he act out at work? Will he have an affair? I'm scared.

I'm trying to come up with boundaries so I don't have to be afraid but I don't even know where to start.
Help.

Sincerely,
Me

Like A Diamond

Dear Abbey,

The word "diamond" comes from the Greek word "Adamas" which means "unconquerable and indestructible."

Did you know that diamonds and coal are made of the vary same stuff? They are both composed of elemental carbon. The only difference between them is what they have experienced and been through. It is only when carbon is subjected to the adverse conditions of extremely high pressures and temperatures that the black carbon transforms into diamond crystals. Unlike coal, diamonds are composed of extraordinarily strong bonds and reflect the light of the world around them.

Our souls and lives are very much like carbon.  We change and become different people when we experience trials and adversities in our lives.  While experiencing these trials we have the choice to become biter and weaker or to find new strength and light. Like diamonds we can radiate and reflect a light of faith and spiritual strength that was intensified through suffering. In D&C 136:31 we are told that the Lords people must be tried in all things so they can be prepared to receive the glory that He has for them.

What makes diamonds shine are their imperfections. Perfection is not needed for strength, shine and beauty. Confucius said, "Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without."

Often times we get stuck dwelling on who we were in the past or who we are now and that can blind us from seeing what there is to love about ourselves. The Lord, in his all knowing power, sees us for what we can become; he loves us for our potential.  He knows the diamonds that we can become and knows just how much pressure and heat is needed to make us into the diamonds we are meant to become.

Sincerely,
Me

Vision Board

A few months ago I completed a free 6 week therapy course on healing from betrayal trauma through Addo Recovery. I absolutely loved it an learned so much! One of the biggest things I learned was of my great worth and potential, what I can become. One of the assignments during the course was to create a vision board. The vision board was to depict hope and everything that I want to believe about myself and become, along with encouragement. I then hung it up in a place where I see it everyday, several times a day. It was a fun project but I did it not knowing how beneficial it would be. Some days, my vision board is the only thing that keeps my head above water. 

This is my vision