Dear Abbey,
This week an old roommate from my 3rd semester of college posted a picture of all the girls in our apartment carving pumpkins for FHE. I looked at the picture and felt sick to my stomach and silent tears began to run down my face. That semester was the semester I got engaged to my husband. The picture was taken a week before my then fiance would disclose to me his past with pornography.
I look nothing now like the young, innocent 19 year old girl beaming in that picture. The differences between the present and that picture that I'm referring to are not the fact that my hair is now shorter, or darker or that I'm a few pounds heavier....I looked so happy. I was happy. I was radiating. I was confident. I was excited for the future. I look at that picture and feel so sorry for myself. I had no idea what pain and heartache I was in for. The happy, radiating, confident excited me would soon be turned to deeply hurt, beaten down, insecure, betrayed, fearful me.
I just want to reach through the picture and give myself a hug. A hug I so desperately needed the night I learned how my night in shining armor was not who I thought he was. A hug for every sleepless night I laid crying in bed next to a man that had become a complete stranger. A hug for every time I found myself crumpled sobbing on the floor fearing that my marriage was over. A hug for every minute that I have felt so completely alone.
I've been mourning the old me. Will I find her again? Will I ever be her again?
Sincerely,
Me
This week an old roommate from my 3rd semester of college posted a picture of all the girls in our apartment carving pumpkins for FHE. I looked at the picture and felt sick to my stomach and silent tears began to run down my face. That semester was the semester I got engaged to my husband. The picture was taken a week before my then fiance would disclose to me his past with pornography.
I look nothing now like the young, innocent 19 year old girl beaming in that picture. The differences between the present and that picture that I'm referring to are not the fact that my hair is now shorter, or darker or that I'm a few pounds heavier....I looked so happy. I was happy. I was radiating. I was confident. I was excited for the future. I look at that picture and feel so sorry for myself. I had no idea what pain and heartache I was in for. The happy, radiating, confident excited me would soon be turned to deeply hurt, beaten down, insecure, betrayed, fearful me.
I just want to reach through the picture and give myself a hug. A hug I so desperately needed the night I learned how my night in shining armor was not who I thought he was. A hug for every sleepless night I laid crying in bed next to a man that had become a complete stranger. A hug for every time I found myself crumpled sobbing on the floor fearing that my marriage was over. A hug for every minute that I have felt so completely alone.
I've been mourning the old me. Will I find her again? Will I ever be her again?
Sincerely,
Me
