I'm Tired

Dear Abbey,

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being triggered by every little thing around me.
I'm tired of feeling alone when I'm surrounded by people.
I'm tired of hiding behind a mask pretending like my life is perfect.
I'm tired of not having friends because I push them away.
I'm tired of feeling helpless.
I'm tired of feeling unloved.
I'm tired because I can't sleep.
I'm tired of broken promises.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm too broken to be a good mom.
I'm tired of keeping secrets from my family.
I'm tired of always having to be strong.
I'm tired of being angry.
I'm tired of being ignored.
I'm tired of being told to "just deal with it" when nobody knows what I'm going through.
I'm tired of the expectations.
I'm tired of the roller coaster.
I'm tired of enduring through each day being such hard work.
I'm tired of not being enough.
I'm tired of being let down.
I'm tired of being so bitter.
I'm tired of not being able to be happy for others.
I'm tired of having meltdowns litterally over spilled milk.
I'm tired of being scared.
I'm tired of being a zombie.
I'm tired of betrayal trauma.
I'm tired of being a WoPA.

Sincerely,
Me

Are You There God?

Dear Abbey,

I've been struggling.

Struggling feeling alone and abandoned by God. Does he hear my prayers? Yes. But why doesn't he respond?

I ask him to send someone to help and love me. I ask him to take away my pain and anger. I ask him if he loves me. My world is still silent and full of lonely pain.

God is a man of timing. He answers when he wants and how he wants. I am finally starting to get answers. . His answers have been, "I'm still here."  and a tiny miracle or message through someone else that He IS there.

The first answer was through the blog The Moments We Stand. In talking about being enough she explained that she will always be enough for God when she felt she wasn't enough for her unfaithful, dead husband. She said, "Emmett didn't die fighting for me, but Jesus did." That simple sentence filled me with so much love and awe. He DID die fighting for me! He fought for my happiness. He suffered my pain. I'm enough and loved enough by him that fought clear to the end for me.

The second answer was a simple act of kindness. On a hard day, I didn't have enough left in me to make dinner for my family so we decided to go out. As we finished our meal our waitress explained to us that our meal was covered  by someone in the restaurant anonymously. I had a distinct voice speak to my mind say, "see, I'm still here. I know what you need." He knows.

These 2 seemingly small experiences left a big mark and helped me see the presence of my Heavenly Father in my life. He's there. He knows. Don't ever doubt that he isn't.

Sincerely,
Me