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Thursday, April 3, 2014

Like A Diamond

Dear Abbey,

The word "diamond" comes from the Greek word "Adamas" which means "unconquerable and indestructible."

Did you know that diamonds and coal are made of the vary same stuff? They are both composed of elemental carbon. The only difference between them is what they have experienced and been through. It is only when carbon is subjected to the adverse conditions of extremely high pressures and temperatures that the black carbon transforms into diamond crystals. Unlike coal, diamonds are composed of extraordinarily strong bonds and reflect the light of the world around them.

Our souls and lives are very much like carbon.  We change and become different people when we experience trials and adversities in our lives.  While experiencing these trials we have the choice to become biter and weaker or to find new strength and light. Like diamonds we can radiate and reflect a light of faith and spiritual strength that was intensified through suffering. In D&C 136:31 we are told that the Lords people must be tried in all things so they can be prepared to receive the glory that He has for them.

What makes diamonds shine are their imperfections. Perfection is not needed for strength, shine and beauty. Confucius said, "Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without."

Often times we get stuck dwelling on who we were in the past or who we are now and that can blind us from seeing what there is to love about ourselves. The Lord, in his all knowing power, sees us for what we can become; he loves us for our potential.  He knows the diamonds that we can become and knows just how much pressure and heat is needed to make us into the diamonds we are meant to become.

Sincerely,
Me

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Vision Board

A few months ago I completed a free 6 week therapy course on healing from betrayal trauma through Addo Recovery. I absolutely loved it an learned so much! One of the biggest things I learned was of my great worth and potential, what I can become. One of the assignments during the course was to create a vision board. The vision board was to depict hope and everything that I want to believe about myself and become, along with encouragement. I then hung it up in a place where I see it everyday, several times a day. It was a fun project but I did it not knowing how beneficial it would be. Some days, my vision board is the only thing that keeps my head above water. 
This is my vision

Saturday, March 29, 2014

I'm Tired

Dear Abbey,

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being triggered by every little thing around me.
I'm tired of feeling alone when I'm surrounded by people.
I'm tired of hiding behind a mask pretending like my life is perfect.
I'm tired of not having friends because I push them away.
I'm tired of feeling helpless.
I'm tired of feeling unloved.
I'm tired because I can't sleep.
I'm tired of broken promises.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm too broken to be a good mom.
I'm tired of keeping secrets from my family.
I'm tired of always having to be strong.
I'm tired of being angry.
I'm tired of being ignored.
I'm tired of being told to "just deal with it" when nobody knows what I'm going through.
I'm tired of the expectations.
I'm tired of the roller coaster.
I'm tired of enduring through each day being such hard work.
I'm tired of not being enough.
I'm tired of being let down.
I'm tired of being so bitter.
I'm tired of not being able to be happy for others.
I'm tired of having meltdowns litterally over spilled milk.
I'm tired of being scared.
I'm tired of being a zombie.
I'm tired of betrayal trauma.
I'm tired of being a WoPA.

Sincerely,
Me

Friday, March 28, 2014

Are You There God?

Dear Abbey,

I've been struggling.

Struggling feeling alone and abandoned by God. Does he hear my prayers? Yes. But why doesn't he respond?

I ask him to send someone to help and love me. I ask him to take away my pain and anger. I ask him if he loves me. My world is still silent and full of lonely pain.

God is a man of timing. He answers when he wants and how he wants. I am finally starting to get answers. . His answers have been, "I'm still here."  and a tiny miracle or message through someone else that He IS there.

The first answer was through the blog The Moments We Stand. In talking about being enough she explained that she will always be enough for God when she felt she wasn't enough for her unfaithful, dead husband. She said, "Emmett didn't die fighting for me, but Jesus did." That simple sentence filled me with so much love and awe. He DID die fighting for me! He fought for my happiness. He suffered my pain. I'm enough and loved enough by him that fought clear to the end for me.

The second answer was a simple act of kindness. On a hard day, I didn't have enough left in me to make dinner for my family so we decided to go out. As we finished our meal our waitress explained to us that our meal was covered  by someone in the restaurant anonymously. I had a distinct voice speak to my mind say, "see, I'm still here. I know what you need." He knows.

These 2 seemingly small experiences left a big mark and helped me see the presence of my Heavenly Father in my life. He's there. He knows. Don't ever doubt that he isn't.

Sincerely,
Me