Consequences

Dear Abbey,

I was taught as a child that there were always consequences for your actions, good or bad. This is a tough concept for a child to grasp but often times, for adults as well. Something that being married to an addict has taught me is that you can have to suffer consequences for others' actions as well. And its not. stinking. fair.

My husband came to me last night telling me that there is a chance he will be getting fired from his job this week because of porn use at work on work computers. He also told me that he lapsed yesterday. In efforts to remove the files with saved pornographic images he made the choice to view those pictures before deleting them.

I was angry and so scared. Angry because "how could he be so STUPID?!" and scared because "how can we provide for our family without a job?!"

After he went to bed (we are currently in a in-house separation) I did the only thing I could think of doing. Pray.

I laid it all out to the Lord. I told him about how I'm scared and angry and frustrated that I'm not seeing any good change or progress in my husband. How I'm tired of being hurt over and over again. How I have to suffer the consequence of my husbands stupid decisions. I didn't do anything wrong so why do my kids and I have to suffer?

I was then prompted to read a conference talk. I opened the LDS library app on my phone and the first thing that came up was the talk "Latter-day Saints Keep on Trying" giving in the last general conference by Elder Dale G. Renlund.

As I read, I had tears streaming down my face because the Lord was talking to ME through elder Renlund's talk. 

"He understands perfectly what it is like to suffer innocently as the consequences of of another's transgression. As prophesied, the Savior will 'bind up the broken hearted,...give...beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, [and] the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.' No matter what, with His help, God expects Latter-day Saints to keep on trying."

Reading this was a direct answer to my frustration with consequences.

I went on to read that, "He is disappointed if we do not recognize that others are trying too."

I am not seeing that my husband is trying. He says he is but my lack of trust and hope in him is blinding me. I need to look for the good in my husband. He is trying. Attending 2 12 steps groups a week, visiting weekly with our bishop, and seeing a therapist 1-2 times a week along with daily study is a lot to be doing for someone 'not trying'.

 Supporting the addict or supporting your abuser is so hard. The Lord has shown me, however, that acknowledging his efforts can be one of the best ways to do so. I pray that the Lord can open my eyes more to help me see my husbands efforts.

I love that through prayer and revelation, the lord can comfort and teach me. I always mourn that nobody 'gets it'. HE does. He's the only one that truly gets its and knows of the pain I feel and knows how to take my pain away.

Sincerely,

Me

Mourning Me

Dear Abbey,

This week an old roommate from my 3rd semester of college posted a picture of all the girls in our apartment carving pumpkins for FHE.  I looked at the picture and felt sick to my stomach and silent tears began to run down my face. That semester was the semester I got engaged to my husband. The picture was taken a week before my then fiance would disclose to me his past with pornography.

I look nothing now like the young, innocent 19 year old girl beaming in that picture. The differences between the present and that picture that I'm referring to are not the fact that my hair is now shorter, or darker or that I'm a few pounds heavier....I looked so happy. I was happy. I was radiating. I was confident. I was excited for the future. I look at that picture and feel so sorry for myself. I had no idea what pain and heartache I was in for. The happy, radiating, confident excited me would soon be turned to deeply hurt, beaten down, insecure, betrayed, fearful me.

I just want to reach through the picture and give myself a hug. A hug I so desperately needed the night I learned how my night in shining armor was not who I thought he was. A hug for every sleepless night I laid crying in bed next to a man that had become a complete stranger. A hug for every time I found myself crumpled sobbing on the floor fearing that my marriage was over. A hug for every minute that I have felt so completely alone.

I've been mourning the old me.  Will I find her again?  Will I ever be her again?

Sincerely,
Me

Throw Up

Dear Abbey,

Whenever I'm sick I'm always told that if I just throw up I'd feel better. Today, I'm emotionally sick. The past week I've been emotionally sick. This is me emotionally throwing up to see if it helps me feel any better.

Where do I even start?

I just moved a week and a half ago to a new and really big city (I'm a small town girl) I've only been to once and only spent a few hours in. Both of our families are 6 and 10 hours away. I know nobody here. I feel so alone. Whenever I want to open up and reach out to someone, the adversary tells me that nobody cares and that I shouldn't waste their time. I'm not worth it. They don't want anything to do with me.

I can't leave my house without being triggered. New city means more people, new meat for my husband to check out and fantasize over. Every day that he goes to work I can't help but wonder what he is doing while gone. He only has 1 coworker. A woman. My 4 year old's new pre-school teacher is young and gorgeous. I never want him to meet her but that's not realistic.

I met my new bishop for the first time on Sunday and betrayal trauma wont let me trust him. He is a young bishop, early 30's. I struggle trusting men in general but I really struggle trusting men even somewhat close to my husband's age. "They are all porn addicts". How am I supposed to confide in a man that makes me sick to my stomach every time I look at him?

As if  having a porn addict husband doesn't make me feel like a big enough pile of junk, my kids make me feel like a huge failure. My broken state wont let me be the mom I want to be and that they deserve. The past few weeks has been constant tears, screaming and tantrums. Some from them, some from me. Whining, refusing sleep, pooping and smearing it all over the bedroom walls and toys, beating on each other, being stubborn and defiant, destroying everything in their paths like a tornado, demanding...It is so tempting to just walk away sometimes. There is only so much crying and screaming a person can handle before they go insane.

Pregnancy is kicking my butt. I don't sleep, I have no energy, and the pain in my back makes it hard to do every day tasks.

Money. There's never enough.

I need out of this funk. I'm drowning. I need relief. I need to know someone cares.

Sincerely,
Me

Alone

Dear Abbey,

When Wil's addiction first unfolded we lived in Rexburg, Idaho. I suffered 3 years with no support and a husband in denial of his addiction. It was "just a little bad habit". He wasn't seeking recovery since...well, you know, he wasn't addicted. He met with our bishop after each relapse (that he got caught in) but that was it. I felt like I was the only one in the world that was going through this and isolated myself.

When Wil FINALLY admitted that pornography wasn't just a bad habit and that he was actually addicted, he began attending the LDS Addiction Recovery meetings specifically for those addicted to pornography.  Looking at the ARP meeting schedule, you'd think that Rexburg was the birthplace of porn addictions. There were 4 different meetings a week just for pornography addicts. On top of that they held spouse support groups 2 days a week. Lots of meetings and lots of attendees (20+). That's a lot for a town of 25,000 people.

Wil loved going to his meetings and I started to see big changes in him. He had hope, accountability, support and light. He encouraged me to go to the spouse support groups but I never went. I was too afraid and didn't see how listening to other people's bad marriages was going to help me. I was trapped.

When we moved to Montana we discovered just one ARP meeting in our area that covered a 50 mile radius.  The meeting was a general meeting and for the longest time Andy was the only attendee. With that,of course there was no spouse group.

I began feeling more alone than I ever had wanting SOMEONE to talk to. I yearned to go back to Rexburg where I knew there were groups of women that understood. I felt so broken and ignored and needed someone to recognize me and the pain I'm enduring.

I spent a long time being frustrated with the Lord. Why did he take me away from the support when I now so desperately want it?  I finally realized why. The Lord knows me. He knows how I tick and he knows how to teach me when I'm acting like a stubborn 2 year old. He knew I needed love and support but in order for me to realize that, he had to take me away from it. I had to leave the support to realize that I really want it and need it.  

When I saw the need in my life and asked for help, the Lord directed me to online forums, blogs, incredible people, therapy programs, and online support groups. I don't have to live in Rexburg, Idaho or Provo, Utah to get the help that I need. The tools and people are everywhere. I've never lived in such an isolating place, but yet I feel united and loved by fellow survivors. I'm not alone.

Sincerely,
Me

I Did It

Dear Abbey,

I did it.

I opened my mouth and told someone. Someone not in a WoPA support group. Someone not in a ARP meeting. Someone that is not a WoPA. This was a first.

It was so so scary but so so invigorating and freeing.

I opened up to a friend that has continually forced me out of my house when I'm wanting to be a hermit,and  kept being my friend even when she sensed my trust issues and standoffish-ness. 

I have wanted to open up and share my story with her for a really long time but have been to scared or could never find "the right time". This last week she mentioned that she was preparing a talk in sacrament meeting on opposition and how we get through them. I got an overwhelming feeling that I needed to tell her. Now.

So I did.

I was so afraid of how she would respond. Would she think I was stupid for staying? Would she think Wil was a perverted monster? Would she blame me? Would she downplay what I'm going through?

Her response was perfect. She was so full of empathy, love and support. She has a child with aspbergers allowing her to empathize with me in understanding how incorrect and hurtful judgements are made in our situation. She built me emphasizing over and over how much she admired me and my courage to share with her and my strength to stay in my marriage and keep fighting for it.

While the idea of someone knowing still intimidates me, I'm so glad that my sharing was a good experience and give me hope and confidence to own share my story with others in the future.

Sincerely,
Me

Jacob 2

Dear Abbey,

Last night in my scripture study I came across Jacob 2 . I view this chapter as the "pornography" chapter. There were a couple of verses that stuck out to me, for obvious reasons. Verses 31 and 32 spoke to me:

"31- For behold, I, the Lord have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people in the land of Jerusalem, yea, and in all the lands of my people, because of the wickedness and abominations of their husbands.
32- And I will not suffer, saith the Lord of Hosts, that the cries of the fair daughters of this people, which I have led out of the land of Jerusalem, shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts."

Before seeking my own recovery 2 years ago these verses would have triggered me into despair. I was an extreme perfectionist and was embarrassed and ashamed of my imperfect marriage. Nobody knew what was going on in my life except for our bishop. I couldn't look him in the eye because he knew. He knew our secret; something wasn't perfect.

I want nothing more in my life than to please the Lord and to reach my final goal of living in eternal happiness in His presence. These verses showed me the Lord's disapproval of what what happening in my marriage and in my home; the place that I worked so hard in making heaven on earth. I took the blame for my husband's addiction therefore his sins were on me...or so I thought.

I now view these verses in a completely different light. The Lord hears my cries of sorrow. He knows of my broken heart. And he knows its not my fault. And it is through His word that my soul can be healed.

Sincerely,
Me

Every Day Trigger

Dear Abbey,

I. Hate. Triggers. What I hate even more is when everyday normal things become triggers. How do you avoid them?? A new trigger of mine has been Wil's new job and the process of finding the job.

Our entire marriage we have been students except for a  4 month time span between undergrad and graduate school where he held his only full time job. That 4 months were the some of the hardest months of my life.

Wil worked with mentally disabled adults teaching them life skills. He grew to love his clients and his clients loved him back.  One of his clients loved him so much that he started texting him on a regular basis. What started out as friendly chat turned into an easy source of porn and for a downward spiral in Wil's addiction; but of course he didn't see it as an addiction at the time. This client (lets call him Brock) was sending him  pornographic material of women through video and photos.

I'm so so grateful that I never saw any of it but I still knew. Besides lacking light in his eyes and being withdrawn from the family I started noticing that every time Wil would get a text from Brock he'd jump up and leave the room to read it. One day as we were headed out the door to church he accidentally bumped his phone causing a video to open. I didn't see it but the panic in his eyes, his franticness to leave the room to close it and the horrifying sounds that I heard were enough to know what was going on. Wil also became distant and secretive about EVERYTHING. Especially silly things like trying to hide any evidence of him buying himself a treat at the grocery store when I'd send him for a few things we needed.

I hated his job and was always uncomfortable with it; I could sense things weren't right. Our desperation for a job left me silent and afraid to share my concerns. After a short 4 months of having this job, Wil came home on a Monday, in the middle of the day looking like he'd seen a ghost. I learned that he had been fired due to accusations of sexual harassment. This was not what my already broken and worried mind needed to hear...

This experience has left me feeling afraid for future jobs. He graduates next month and the search for a job has been grueling. I dread every interview. This week he got an offer for his dream job and my fears are making it difficult to be excited for him and this new chapter in our lives. Will his next job send him back to the lowest point in his addiction? Will he act out at work? Will he have an affair? I'm scared.

I'm trying to come up with boundaries so I don't have to be afraid but I don't even know where to start.
Help.

Sincerely,
Me